I was debating for few weeks if I should write about breaking my leg and not being able to run! I mean what really is there to write. Leg is broken, in a cast for few weeks. Once in pink then in blue and then back to pink again! And what comes with that, is me, fed up, upset, disappointed and most of all heartbroken runner!
But as weeks go by, I am more and more convinced that I should let go of all those emotions and thoughts and make some use of it! I want to share it. Even if only with my own future self.
So it all happened 5 weeks ago. I was in A&E looking at an x-ray photo and hearing a doctor saying “I’m sorry you have a fracture of the fibular”. And then there was another shock, 6 weeks in plaster with no weight bearing! I was given crutches and I was send home!
So how does one feel at that moment? I think I felt like something has died inside me. It was 3 weeks away from my race which I trained for for months, I was moving home in a week and starting new job in two. I mean the timing is never right but surely that was like the worst it could have been, right?Right?
Anyway in a space of few weeks I went through many emotional stages, sometimes I visited each more than once:
First it was a denial:
It’s not broken, it is just a dream and I will wake up from this nightmare any minute. I think its fair to say that this stage died the fastest. Within couple of days I knew its not a dream and on a top of plastered leg, bruises on my hands were continuous reminder of that!
Then came anger:
Why me, why now! I hate myself, I hate my body and those weak bones that had to break. Why people can train for years with no injuries and I continuously am in pain and now I am BROKEN! I was upset with how it happened, where it happened and I was upset with people who were saying, that its my body telling me to slow down. I mean what?? I have’t even started yet. Why should I slow down or stop now? Those feelings come and go for 5 weeks now. They rarely stay with me for too long but I still have a moments when I am boiling with anger. I learn to control it but didn’t manage to get rid of it just yet.
After that the worst feeling of all: Depression
I am never gonna be the same again. I will never be as fit and I will never reach my goals. What is the point. By the time I will be fit again something else will happen, as it always does. Is there even a point in trying? Hoping? Dreaming?
Those are my dark moments and I rarely talk to anyone about them. Maybe I am a little ashamed of having them? Maybe I don’t want to show my weakness…….
And then there is the good feeling, a feeling of acceptance
Ok so this is not ideal situation! No one wants to have a broken limb but people do, everyday and I just need to deal with it. I will be out off cast soon, then physio will start and I will be running in no time. I will be strong again and the wait will be worth it! I just need to learn to be patient. If I do everything right, I will be back on track.
I try to hold on to those days! I like them, I feel strong and I feel happy. But I know sometimes the bad will come back. And I will be standing in front of my mirror feeling rubbish again. Close to tears seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. I know, I am being crazy and making things worse than they actually are. I mean, I know that I will be running again and it isn’t all that bad! But in my head I’m panicking and looking for reassurance, looking to pass those feeling to someone else, because being strong is hard work and I feel exhausted.
With all those mixed emotions sometimes I find it difficult to stay in touch with the fabulous world of running. I have days when I don’t even look at social media because, and its not easy to admit, I am simply jealous of how other’s training going. I find it hard to see the finish lines, medals and those happy smiley faces of my running friends, when I am stuck on sofa with yet another box of ice cream. I hate those moments, and I hate myself for having them. And I work really hard to not let them ruin my running spirit. I force myself to go to events, talk to people who run, race and train. Read their posts and give advice, kudos and words of encouragement. I try to stay true to who I really am because once the pink cover is off I will be back and this injury will be just a distant memory. And what will be left, is me….a runner!